All of us want the best for kids. However, our perceptions of what is best for kids do not always coincide with theirs. Parents frequently provide a gentle shove in the direction of the option they believe is best, attempting to encourage kids without pushing too hard.
But what constitutes excessive encouragement? Getting kids to undertake things that are difficult for them teaches them grit and adaptability while also broadening their worldview — whether it’s participating in sports, attending a summer camp, or engaging in a new social situation – at its best. Pushing kids too far, on the other hand, can cause them to withdraw, get resentful, or develop even more worry about attempting new things. It can be tough to know how much parental pressure is good for kids and when you should ease up.
Why do we insist on pushing?
“I believe that encouraging kids is a question of bringing them out of their comfort zone and then pushing that zone to be farther and further out,” says Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist and the founder of the Child Mind Institute. “We all know that being able to withstand suffering is a great life skill, and it also makes people tougher and more robust.”
Dr. Koplewicz points out that what we push children to accomplish is based on our assessment of what is in their best interests. “That could include pushing them while they’re in school to study harder, to do better academically. And we push them to try new things that we think will enrich their lives and make them feel good.” We encourage kids to explore new things that would improve their lives and make them happy.” We can also encourage them to do activities with the aim of giving them a leg up on future college applications and scholarships.
Janine Domingues, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, adds that encouraging kids to persevere in the face of adversity might boost their self-esteem.
“I think it gives them a sense of confidence to know that if there is a challenging moment, as a parent you’re helping them to problem solve it as opposed to completely removing it or taking the problem away,” Dr. Domingues explains. “A child really does feel accomplished and good about the fact that they were able to get through it.”
Know your kid
Thinking about your child’s personality is the most crucial component in determining when and how much to push. “Knowing your child is the first step,” says Dr. Domingues. Consider your child’s abilities and interests, especially when it comes to encouraging them to participate in extracurricular activities, and have them participate in the discussion about what could be interesting to do outside of school.
Perhaps you believe they spend too much time playing video games and wish they were more socially involved or physically active. “However, if they aren’t interested in sports, forcing them into team sports may not be the greatest option,” Dr. Domingues recommends. Other activities, such as a coding club or a cooking class, may appeal to you more while still meeting some of the criteria you’re searching for.
If your child is resisting, Dr. Koplewicz suggests that you look at your own motivations for pushing them in a certain direction. “Are we encouraging or pushing our children because it’s in their best interests, or are we doing it for our own benefit?”
Often our own childhood experiences greatly impact how people parent. “I think most parents want their kids to avoid the mistakes they made,” Dr. Koplewicz reflects. So if a parent thinks they would have been more successful if only they’d done better in school or participated in sports, chances are they will push their kids in that direction.
Alternatively, if parents have fond memories of anything they did as a child, they may encourage their children to do the same, whether it’s joining the track team or writing for the school newspaper. “I usually tell parents the things that inspire us might not always motivate them,” Dr. Domingues cautions.
When children resist
When children don’t respond to gentle pressure, it’s crucial to evaluate what’s preventing them from responding. Is there a reason why your child isn’t participating in academics or social activities? Is your child’s ability to adapt or try new things being hampered by something?
“Sometimes when pushing kids you bump into a real limitation. It can be an anxiety disorder or a learning disability,” explains Dr. Koplewicz. “There’s a real barrier there. It’s not that they don’t want to do it. They would love to do it. It’s just too hard and unless you remove the barrier, encouraging and cheerleading won’t work.”
Dr. Koplewicz thinks the issue is unlikely to be social anxiety if your kid is perfectly fine on the basketball court or at school dances but refuses to participate in the classroom. Instead, they could be having problems reading or digesting information, therefore it’s worth investigating more.
Our expectations can also become exaggerated at times. When their kids are still several years away from filling out an application, parents who are particularly motivated by the concept of getting their children into college may already be thinking about signing up for the correct extracurriculars and achieving the right GPA.
But we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves
Being pushed towards a goal so far down the road and hearing about it for so long might make children feel inept and resentful. It’s critical to take a step back if you suspect your youngster is under too much strain.
Children who are overwhelmed or exhausted may benefit from a more present-oriented approach. Praise accomplishments and new abilities just for the sake of them. It’s possible that your kid’s participation in soccer and piano lessons will benefit them later in life, but it shouldn’t be their sole purpose. Obtain a tutor for your kid if they are having difficulty with math. Explain that your goal is to help him understand what he is being taught.
Sticking with it
Drs. Koplewicz and Domingues think that it’s especially vital for kids to be encouraged to persevere when trying new things. So, if they sign up for eight tap dance lessons, they know they must complete all eight, even if they decide after the first that karate would have been more fun.
“You’re also trying to teach your child that if you make a commitment, you should keep it,” Dr. Domingues explains. “Just because something happened that you didn’t like on the first day, or whatever the case may be, doesn’t indicate the remainder of the time would be destroyed.” So you’re training kids to be adaptable in their thoughts about how things are happening.”
However, if a child who previously enjoyed an activity suddenly hates it, it could indicate that something worrisome has happened. They can be bullied, have experienced a humiliating social incident, or don’t feel supported by their instructor or coach. “You want to take the time to hear them out and examine the possibilities with them,” Dr. Domingues explains.
Of course, parents can misjudge a scenario, as Dr. Koplewicz points out.
“Sometimes you make a mistake and have to regroup. You can’t beat yourself up afterward.” He remembers sending his son to sleepaway camp when he was seven years old and forcing him to complete the seven weeks despite his son’s dissatisfaction. When his kid returned home, he expressed regret for being forced to stay, and Dr. Koplewicz decided he wasn’t ready for camp. So they took the following summer off and eased back in with a brief program that he ended up loving the following year. Everything came together in the end.
How can you assist?
Pushing your child to do something does not imply tossing them into the deep end of a pool and hoping they will swim. Parents can help their children succeed in their undertakings by previewing, scaffolding, and supporting them.
If a child is hesitant to join a sports team, for example, Dr. Domingues recommends doing it slowly. So kids can meet the coach, go to the practice location, talk to someone who is already on the team, and read a book or see a movie about a sports team before the season starts. “You’re still pushing them or having the expectation that they can get through it even if they’re concerned about it,” Dr. Domingues adds. “There’s some legwork to be done beforehand to make it doable and approachable.”
For many kids, setting a time limit, such as “We’ll try this activity for four sessions and then we’ll reevaluate and see what you like and don’t like about it,” may be beneficial.
A lot of it boils down to getting to know your child. Start modestly if they aren’t ready to make a huge commitment. Rather than a summer camp that lasts all summer, start with a week-long camp, for example. “they get a taste of doing something and they’re also potentially gaining the experience of feeling accomplished with it. A positive experience with it can then lend itself to being committed to something for a longer period of time.”
Reward systems and modeling grit
Often, a rewards system can be effective for helping to motivate your child. Dr. Domingues explains, “For starters, we want them to be motivated to do it. But especially if they’re dealing with something like anxiety or depression — something that makes it really challenging — then you want to set up outside extrinsic motivation first until they feel the success of it and it becomes intrinsically motivating for them.”
She recommends determining what interests your kid and creating a reward menu based on their interests. You can set up little weekly awards as well as a larger prize that they must earn. It can be anything from screen time to an enjoyable getaway.
And make sure that kids who are suffering academically have the opportunity to feel proud of their accomplishments. Goals should be small enough that they can achieve them and gain confidence. Remember that finding an outlet for their feelings and helping to raise their self-esteem is even more crucial for children who are struggling.
Modeling grit and resilience is also a viable option. “Parents can say, ‘This is difficult, but we can do it,'” Dr. Koplewicz says. “I’m going to do it.” I’m now reading a difficult book. Mom is putting in a lot of effort. You’ve got this.”
What is excessive encouragement for kids?
Of course, there is such a thing as over-stimulating your youngster. “If a kid becomes too distressed or shows dysfunction, you’ve gone too far,” says Dr. Koplewicz. Perhaps it has anything to do with their age. Perhaps they aren’t at the appropriate developmental level.
For example, if a kid who is scared of clowns refuses to attend a birthday celebration, you may persuade them to go because we know that giving in to fears can strengthen them.
“But if he can’t tolerate the clown no matter what you do, and he’s crying the whole time he’s at the party, then you have to declare success very quickly. You have to say okay, you did it for two minutes. I’m really proud of you. Next time it will be a little bit longer, but clearly, it’s too painful.”
“I think there are definitely times when you’re pushing too hard,” agrees Dr. Domingues. “If you really do see a complete mood change, if they’re more irritable more days than not, if there are extreme tantrums about just going, or if the fighting to get them there is excessive or outweighs all the other things, then it’s time to reassess.”
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